Jessica

johavs @ 2008-04-22T20:39:00

2008-04-23T03:42:48Z

I hate the fact that I hate my life. Its something I'm currently fighting myself to get over. I have a fucked up view on the world and am too emotionally attached to the people I call friends. I have low self esteem but high confidence. I'm smart. But I don't tend to apply myself. I'm almost always sick and can never seem to get a good nights sleep. I have vivid dreams but I always know when I'm sleeping. My head is in the clouds but I never let my feet leave the ground even for a moment. I hold you hand tighter than you hold mine because I want you to know I care. I speak my mind. I like warm spring days and walking around town with blisters on your feet and little money in your pockets. I like spending time outside. I really enjoy hugs. I text alot. Not because I can't call. I just find it and inconvinience to have to speak. I'm 15 years old and as young as that sounds I am well aware that I really don't have that much time left.

I just wish I knew how to make the most of it.

I think my about me is one of the most insightful things i have written in a while. I realized that I am a sad excuse for the good person I pride myself in being. And I'm sorry. I really, truely am sorry.

I just want to walk. I want to go buy some new shoes and walk some holes into them. I just want to turn my back on everything. Plug in my ipod ,shove my hands in my pockets and just walk away. Gosh, I don't know or care for how long. I just wanna see who will join in stride. Not asking where i'm going or how we'll get there. But someone who will trust me enough to know I know what I'm doing. And wants to take an adventure with me.

I've got a potential 150 dollar job from my grandma :]

ill be just fine.

P.S. Meghan, if you reading.

Do you still like the way I write?

well maybe.

2008-04-18T14:27:17Z

i know that i fking hate myself.
i don't deny it.

and leaving people who are hurting isn't exactly the most godly thing to do.
maybe people should be real.
and not fake.
and maybe people should sit down and talk to a person when they have shit with them.

and maybe. just maybe.
people need to realize that maybe their fake apologies and their fake smiles have won over other peoples forgiveness.
but im not as stupid as most people.
and i'm also not a ignorant.
i see straight through how fake everyone is.

so if you wanna fking say something to me.

fking say it.
dont be a bz to me when i honestly try to be nice.

thats when i decide to be a bitch.

you might think the words im sorry count as an apology.

in my eyes thats bull.
they don't.

so im still waiting for an apology.
i mean in person.
sit me down.
tears in your eyes saying what you did and why your sorry you did it.

until then be a jerk.
and ill be a bitch.

i have officially.

2008-04-17T14:32:12Z

missed wednesday service for a month.

and part of me wants to cry.
and part of me really doesn't give a sht.

idk.

i wish i had somebody to talk to.
somebody who would really support me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

the only person i ever had who really believed in me.
i pushed away.
and they sorta screwed me over.

and i'll never forgive you because i don't believe you can ever give me a real apology.
maybe because you don't think you've done anything wrong.

i miss the way things used to be.

*shrug*

life goes on.

TO YOU!

2008-04-15T02:38:30Z

i've realized that this has become much more than just an online diary.
its more than what it was.
its more than the anticipated way to get out my thoughts, my frustrations.
its become a lifeline.

even though i rarely get responses to anything i say.
every single word is to you.
if you read this.
its to you.
its to you meghan, for real i mean it every single word is stuff i wish i could pour out to you but cant.
its to you maddy, because these are the things i used to tell you all the time but idk why i dont anymore.
its to you amelia, because your the only friend i don't mind telling everything about me to.

every single word has a deeper meaning and nothing in here is a joke.
they're my real feelings.
and my real pain.
on most of these entries my eyes are so filled up with tears I can't even see half of what i'm typing.
and sometimes i'll be so hysterical i'll have to stop writing cuz i'm shaking so much.

this isn't something to tell you to comment me more. or to pay more attention.
i'm just speaking my mind.

i read your guys livejournals.
every word of them.
even when you think i dont.

and i notice when your calling out to someone, anyone really.
just to get a response, to see if someone noticed.
I notice.

because i do it too.

i feel the way you feel in that moment.

the fogginess in your head is just so much that you don't know if you're awake or dreaming.
you don't know if the reality around you even exists.
if the people you make relationships are even real entities.

you wonder if anyone is even listening.
if anyone even cares.

i care.

hmm.

2008-04-13T19:18:10Z

realization time.
and not the good kind.
im talking about those bone shattering.
heart breaking.
tear making, realizations.
the one that will RUIN your preconceived notions of the way life is supposed to be.
yeah.
one of those.

I realized yesterday.
That no matter how much you love a person.
As a friend I mean, I don't need any one thinking anything bad.
But no matter how much you care about a friend.
Or how much you tell em that you care.
And all that jazz.
No matter how compassionate you are to them.

They might never ever give a crap about you.
And if they do.
They might never even show it.

And that fking sucks dude.
Like.

You all know that I love fkin hard.
I'm one of the most loving people you will ever meet in your entire lifetime.
So for me.
When I care about someone.
I hope they'll care about me too ya know?
And I hope that they'll show it.

And you guys also know how self conciouse I am.
So when people don't show me they care.
Or they give me dirty looks or whatever.
I automatically feel like there's something wrong.

And worst of all.
I'm just really really getting tired of getting replaced.

I never stay somebodies best friend even if they are still mine.
I never stay even good friends with people cuz they'll replace me too.
I never stay somebodies favorite.
I never stay on their good side.
I NEVER have someone who stays liking me for any consistent period of time.

And my heart really really really wants to get dried up, hard, and cold.
Because of this little realization.
Because it hurts soooo much the way it is right now.

But I like the fact that I love harder than any other.
I like the fact that if i love you, you'll fkin know.
And I fkin like the fact that I stick with people.

But I really don't know what to do.
I've always been this way.
And all its ever brought me.
Is getting fkin hurt.

So idk.
idkidkidkidk.

If i ever turn into a complete bitch.
Who seems emotionless.
And like i don't care about anything or anyone.
I'm going to blame it on you.

Just a warning.

i just wanted you to know.

2008-04-05T04:16:59Z

even though you don't read this.

I HATE YOU.
ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou!

i FREAKING HATE YOU.

johavs @ 2008-04-03T15:53:00

2008-04-03T22:53:54Z

i wasn't strong enough.

At the end of the day.

2008-04-02T04:16:34Z

If you realllly think about it.
Think deep and hard.

You.
Have.
No one.

No one to lean on.
You don't have a freaking shoulder to cry on.
So go bawl your eyes out on the floor for all I care.

Thats the only place you've got.

Rip at your clothes, your hair, your skin.
You can feel it.
Just as I can.

You can feel the aching.
The utter agony.
With every beat of your heart.

It's like chinese water torture.
And after a while the consistent beat.
Will rip apart your lungs and ribs.

Straight through your chest.

And some peoples structure just decays a little faster.
Under pressure.

Some people's eyes just make tears faster.

But instead of crying.
You learn.

You learn to shove them back in.
Faster and harder than they're coming out.

And you freeze your own heart.
Because things that are frozen are slower.
Its a law of physics people.

So your cold, hard heart.
It'll beat a fraction slower.
And maybe the ache in your chest will go down.

And you can make it through the day.

the next three years.

2008-03-28T19:43:23Z

better go by in the blink of an eye.

I always told myself i wanted to stay here.
i have my family.
friends.
I KNOW this place.

but from what I know about it.
this place is suffocating me.

i've never been one to run from my problems.
never.
i ALWAYS confront them.
handle them.
and move on.

but this time im really not in the mood.

I just want everything to be okay again.

i mean i know things will work themselves out.
i'm allowed to have people over.
and soon ill be able to go out again.
and eventually ill be able to go to church again.
but ask anyone involved in the past few days events.

we all feel. drained.

like something has been emotionally exausted in us.

summer just come soon.
things will be fine.

the only tears in summer will be from prolonged glances at the sun.
from laying out in the sun for those couple extra minutes.

everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.

no matter how much you say it.
your breaths still keep getting shorter.

johavs @ 2008-03-27T22:04:00

2008-03-28T05:06:32Z

i havent hurt this much in a long long while.
i saw kally today.
but not for long enough.
every second im not with them i feel like dying.
i feel like im going crazy in this house.
its literally making me sick.
i have broncitis.

tears seem to fill up my eyes every few seconds.
but never seem to fall.

all i really want is for kally or jackie to come stay the night.
so i can curl up in their arms and cry.

johavs @ 2008-03-21T19:15:00

2008-03-22T02:17:10Z

You are breakin my heart.

And to be honest.
I really don't even fking care.

I'm over all this bullshit and lies.
Dirty looks and twofaced people.

Grow the fuck up and stop ruining good things for good people.

Mmmm.

2008-03-20T22:45:02Z

So.For once in my life.
Even though everything sucks alot right now.
And I seriously couldn't be more worried.
And more scared.
For once in my life I'm really hopeful.
I know that no matter what happens.
No matter what decisions other people make that end up effecting me.
That everything will be okay.
I have fallbacks for the fallbacks.
And if those fall through then ill worry but now.
No need to get my head all jumbled up in negativity.
And nonsense words like love.
Like friendship.
Like integrity and self respect.
I have no time to worry about the small things.
I have no time to waste because my life can change in the next instant.
So i better enjoy the time i've got living like this.

This won't last long so im going to make.
Every.
Second.
Count.

johavs @ 2008-03-13T22:12:00

2008-03-14T05:13:42Z

another cigarette
and i'm so bored
your words aren't making sense

i was taken
but you were waiting
one more drink
and i'm convinced

not one more sound
let your hair down
take the low road
no one will know

whoa, i feel just like we're taking control
of the night, of the night. yeah.
whoa, i feel just like we're losing control
but if you let go then i'll let go tonight

another minute lived
if you take me
i'll take what you will give

i was late and
she kept waiting
but i hope she knows where i've been

not one more sound
let your hair down
take the low road
no one will know

whoa, i feel just like we're taking control
of the night, of the night. yeah.
whoa, i feel just like we're losing control
but if you let go then i'll let go tonight

i'm coming down
bring me up
take it off
let's just touch
lets just touch
lets just touch
lets just touch

whoa, i feel just like we're taking control
of the night of the nigth. yeah.
whoa, i feel just like we're losing control
but if you let go then i'll let go tonight

yeahhhh

2008-03-10T23:43:10Z

things are going to be justtttt fine.
everything is going to be a-okay.

fucking.

2008-02-26T22:28:58Z

knew it.
you always do this.

screw it.

Who?

2008-02-13T14:50:05Z

Who thought it was a good idea to make TEENAGERS get up at 6 oclock to go to a place they hate?
Hmmm?
I would like a speedy answer so I can go punch the jerk in the face.

i hate you mystery person!
hatehatehatehatehate.
if you aren't dead all ready, you will be when I'm done with you.
or i'll at least kick you in your reproductive organ and make you infertile.

yes.
i did just say that.
my body doesn't like getting up this early.
but ima make it.
i also need to start eating better.
oh my!
i think my mom forgot that I was grounded.

amen to that.

to be completely honest.

2008-02-05T04:06:13Z

i haven't felt this good in freaking years.
YEARS.
For a 14 almost 15 year old, YEARS is a long time.

idk everything is going right right now.
Dont mess it up.

im happy.
truely.
honestly.
Happpy.
do you understand how big this is.

im making ME happy for once.

lalalala.

2008-02-03T17:02:12Z

i hate my hair today.
im way too tired.
im on my period.
i don't like my parents friends that are coming over today.
i have to leave before I want to from church.
today is the superbowl.
i feel fat.
my parents are acting like freaks lately.

and what's odd is, i don't even care.
im in a good mood :]

hah.

2008-02-02T16:34:52Z

This has been the schedule of the past couple days lol.
Yesterday night I went to bed at 12.
And got up at 630.
And went to school until 1030.
Then I went back to sleep at 11 and woke up at 6.
Then I stayed up until 12 and woke up at 830 this morning.
How insane is that?
I haven't slept this much in a long time. I love it.

I had pretty horrid dreams last night.
Not the scary kind.
But the kind that makes you wonder.
Makes you think so much you could cry.
I won't.
Today I have alot to do.
And tomorrow is church and the super bowl party at my house.
Joy.
Uhhh.
Yeah.

My birthday is soon.
And I already know I won't get what I want.
But hey, I'll live.

So.

2008-02-01T00:49:23Z

I haven't spoken to you in two years.
And I miss the crap out of you right now.

I never realized how good you were for me.
I don't even know where you are right now but if somehow someway I could tell you anything.

It would be that I miss you.
And that email you sent me a year ago telling me you were still in love with me, yeah, I hope it would still be true.

I just hope I'll be able to see you again.
Someday.

Mmm.

2008-01-28T15:29:28Z

And not the soup can, taste soooooo good, kind of mm.
Its the kind when your soul is so riled up and your hands are shaking your so angry type of mm.
When you wish you could scream in someones face, punch a wall, something, to get all of your aggressions out, mm.
When you try and say something, anything, but all you can conjure up, is mm.
When your teeth grit, your hands form into fists, and your muscles tighten, without you wanting them to.
But the thing is, as hard as it is, this is taking the easy way out.

Back track.
Back to when it all started.
It all starts with that
First
Innocent
Kiss.
Nothing more nothing less.
Something so simple that you didn't think it would bring on such a sensation.
The perfect moment.
Where all you can see is you and that person, and your heart feels like its shaking in your chest and you can't breath.
But it's the good kind of suffocation,trust me I know.

To be honest at this point you really didn't know what you were getting in to.
Did you?
You didn't even believe in love.
And over time you developed such an undying passion that you can't even begin to explain.
You never though you would love someone like this.
And honestly you don't know what to do with yourself.
You feel like you can't like without them.
But obviously you can because all you are to them,
Is a friend.
The one they can turn to with anything.
The one they can tell about who they like and you will always be there to listen.
Even though it rips at your heart.
And when you say i love you.
They say it back but,
it lacks the meaning.

Back to the anger.

Hands on your skin.
Eyes staring into yours.
This isn't right.
NO. It's not just PLAYING AROUND.
They shouldn't be touching you, or flirting with you like that anyway.
But you let them.
And right in front of me.
You don't care.
It's no big deal to you.
But is the way I feel just as insignificant.
Apparently so.

And your heart starts collapsing under the weight of all the agony a single glance can bring on.
When did this start?
I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS.
You wish you could cry.
But with everyone staring at you.
The tears well back up into the sockets.
You push every thought of pain back into the depth of your mind, so that even when it screams at you.
It's like a whisper.

You act like you don't care because you don't want anyone to know.
And it's easier not to anyway.
But even after a while.
That begins to be too much to bear.
You have to have some sort of emotion!
The intensity of how you feel has to bring on something.
Because with every action, comes an equal and opposite reaction.
Physics has taught me wonderful ideals.

So you get angry.
Why not.
Anger is easily fixed.
Yell.
Scream.
Throw swings in every direction.
It HAS answers to drown out the screaming in your head.

But all you really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry your eyes out.
Love is supposed to be beautiful.
And it's supposed to be the most amazing thing in life.

Love isn't supposed to hurt like this.
Is it?

i never asked for this.

Sigh.

2008-01-14T01:31:15Z

Can we all just please STOP with the accusations.
You might think that you aren't saying anything bad but you are.
Like, you don't even read these so I don't know why I'm saying you.
Lol.
But anyway.
I am NOT pretending to be somebody.
I am NOT being fake around certain people.
And I am NOT trying to change who I am.

This is who I am.

I am alot like alot of people.
But that doesnt mean that I'm copying them or that I'm fake. It just means we're similar for God's sake. And yeah, I run with the same people alot. But it's not because we're attatched by the hip or because I'm their "shadow". Nope. I could care less if they want me to go somewhere or if they come with me. We just go places together alot because we're going to the same spot. If I want to go somewhere and Jackie doesn't. I'll go and she can come with me or not I don't care. And if Kally is trying to get me to follow her somewhere and I don't want to go. I'll stay, BY MYSELF. I DONT CARE OKAY? And yeah I act different around certain people but that's just because they bring out that side of my personality. When you're around funny people you laugh more then normal do you not? And when you're around people who really like taking pictures, you usually get pulled into a couple frames. It's no big deal.

Just. Let me live my own life with out critisizing everything I do. I don't do that to other people unless its straight to their face and then when they tell me why they do what they do I say okay, I'm sorry for thinking you were acting that way I guess I didn't know your side of the story.
Jeez people, grow up.

If you knew my whole story, everything that I've gone through and everything that I'm going through. If you knew all the thoughts in my head you would know why I am the way I am. Deal with it people.

ewwww

2008-01-07T15:03:20Z

I have to go to school today.
And that is a major bummer because of the fact that Jackie kept me up ALL NIGHT on the phone.
Not a wink of sleep last night.
But I'm fully energized.
Mmm.
I dont love life.
But I don't hate it.
And hey thats better than usual.

:[

2008-01-05T07:48:32Z

i hate my life.

So it's raining outside.

2008-01-04T19:04:06Z

I haven't decided if that is a good thing to me or not.
Everything is crazy lately.
My mind is in like, two places at once and I can't control it.
But the good thing is.
I'm slowly crashing, stumbling, almost falling into one side of mindset.
Words are starting not to affect me and my mind is making itself up.
Without my jurisdiction it's starting to not care what other people say, beginning a journey I had no clue I even wanted to step out into.

But apparently it did.

And then there is the constant trying battle between the head and the heart.
This time I guess my heart is shutting up about things.
Saying, you know what, I'm done.
All the things I have tried before have just left me beaten down, bloodied up, broken and inoperable.
So why not try something new this time.
How bout i stop caring about my "feelings" and start just dealing with whatever's thrown at me.
Instead of crying and moping about it, if there's something that hurts me, I'm either going to deal with it, or do something about it.
I'm not going to complain about something that I'm not trying to change.
And if I'm doing something good, or trying to anyway, and nobody notices me, and i remain just one of those kids, then good.
I'm not doing this to be recognized anymore, I don't care if you notice me because im not doing it to be noticed. I'm not doing it for some praise or reward.
Because I'm not expecting one. I'm not expecting anything.
Why would I.
Expectations always lead to being let down.
Some people say you have to go into something expecting the best or you won't get anything out of it.
I don't think so.
Here's what I'm going to do instead.
I'm not EXPECTING anything. I'm going into this with no preformed ideas, with no expectations. But I do have hope, and faith, that if what I'm doing is God's will, that everything will work itself out. And also, that if something that happens isn't the way I want it to be, this way I won't be let down, I will just figure out a way to change myself, or my situation.
Shoot.
This is going to be good.
Give me crap for it. Try me. Please. I want to be tested so that I can prove, not to you or anyone for that matter, but to myself that I'm doing this for the right reasons.
I might not be ready for all this yet.
But I'm sure going to try.